One step forward...

So... I'm a woman. You know this. Probably not a surprise. I empathize and support many things that women do on a regular basis. Many of our habits that drive men crazy or are completely uninteresting to them. I talk about my hair and nails. I coo at babies and little animals. I spend time staring in the mirror before I leave the house (many times) to make sure I look ok, even if I'm only going to the grocery store.

The one thing that we women do, however, that makes me crazy is the "one step forward, five steps back" dance. Please understand, I'm not speaking metaphorically and talking about how I hate growing as a person and then regressing. (Cause clearly I don't mind that at all.) What I'm talking about is departure from a room, a party, from work etc. Especially when there is a group of girls involved.

Take today for example. When we got into the office this morning, one of my friends announced that she was very hungry and we would be going to lunch today at 11:30. "Just like in elementary school," she said. I responded with some comment about having a juice box and a bologna sandwich and agreed that I was on board. Flash forward to 11:15. One member of the team stands up to head into a short meeting and declares herself ready to eat lunch when she gets back. We all agree and while she's gone we determine what we plan to eat.

Time check: 11:45. Previously mentioned team member returns to her desk and immerses herself in work. Someone starts making lunch noises, but it turns out that the guy copying our script this year is coming by to say hello and touch base with us shortly, so we wait.

12:15- Script copying guy has come and gone. Someone mentions lunch again, but no one else responds.

12:20- "I'm at a good stopping point if you guys are ready for lunch," declares one team member. I look up and agree since I just finished a song and don't want to start another one if we are leaving shortly. Sadly, one team member has left her desk and is talking to another staff member on the other side of the room. We all agree to wait until she returns and then leave.

12:35- Another team member says she has to go mail something before we eat. We agree to meet her down by the mail center on the way to lunch. She goes.

12:40- "Hey guys, are we ready," I ask. The two team members left at their desks look up and nod and then look back down at their work. I return to my computer and begin writing this blog in frustration. God forbid I should do work while I'm waiting...

12:50- Mailing team member has been gone for a while now and is SURELY getting irritated standing down by the mail center waiting for us. I remind everyone that she is waiting for us and they all look at me surprised. The team member in conference on the other side of the office is still sitting there talking so I yell out to her to ask her if she's ready. She says she is and will be back in a second.

12:55- I stand up, thinking I will take action to prove my determination. Another team member comes to my side of the desk and tells me he is standing near me to show his solidarity and his readiness to leave. As we stand, the previously mentioned abandoned mailing team member returns to the office looking frustrated.

12:59- FINALLY, we all stand and head toward the door. Before leaving the desk, I stop and hit save on this blog so I don't lose it while I'm at lunch. The other script folk stand at the door and joke that they are sick of waiting for me.

1:00- LUNCH!

See, the point I am making is that no matter how good our planning or our intentions, we still wound up leaving an hour and a half later than intended. During that time of flux, I didn't do any work of course, cause I didn't want to be in the middle of a song when we left. So I mostly messed around on the internet, watched the olympic replays on the monitor and began conceiving this blog.

As a child, I remember waiting for my mother for-freaking-ever whenever we were leaving a dinner party or friend's house at the end of an evening. I would be playing with my friends and either she or my father would come find me and declare it time to leave. I would reluctantly go get my jacket or whatever and go stand by the door, dreading what I now knew was to come. I watched her say goodbye to one friend and talk for a few minutes. Then she would take a step toward the front door and me and then she would remember to tell her friend just "one more thing." I always wondered why she didn't say her goodbye's first and THEN come get me and tell me it was time to go. I believe I suggested that at some point during my childhood and it was not well received.

As I got older and sassier and more bored, I would imagine a sports commentary to go with the slow-motion departure dance.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to another exciting round of "Try to leave the house before I completely melt in my coat in the foyer." Tonight's competitors are formidable opponents who have been sparing in this sport for over 12 years! In this corner, we have Team Me, who is already in her coat and ready to go with a hand on the doorknob. In the other corner, Team Marsha who is holding her coat and chatting with the hostess. Let's watch how events unfold..."

"It looks like Team Marsha is walking backwards a few steps in the general direction of the door and Team Me is turning the doorknob in excited antici... oh no! It looks like the party hostess has offered to send Team Marsha home with some leftovers from the party. Team Me has released her grip on the door and is gazing around the foyer in boredom."

"Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Team Marsha has the leftovers in hand and takes a step in the direction of the door and we see Team Me getting excited and... oh no! It looks as though Team Marsha has begun telling one of the party guests about the book she has just finished. And now Team Me has begun to really sweat and is fanning herself with her coat."

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

"Folks if you are joining us, this has been an exciting evening and a tremendous show of sportsmanship. It would appear as though we have made it all the way to the doorway. Team Me is standing in the snow close to the car and Team Marsha is standing in the doorway facing the house with her coat on and almost buttoned. What a thrilling evening this has been ladies and gentlemen! It now appears as though Team Me is jumping up and down on the same spot, completely impatient and whining. Let's listen close and see if we can make it out... oh yes. It appears Team Me is saying "Let's go Mom! Let's go Mom!" in quite a sing-songy whiny voice. I don't know that I have seen Team Me put up a fight like this since the '80 New Year's Eve party at the Weiss' house."

"And... yes... it looks like... I do believe... it's over! Team Marsha has unlocked the car doors and appears to be getting in! Thanks to our loyal audience for joining us and I hope you will tune in again next week when we go to the party at the Rothstein's house!"



Overkill? Perhaps. I just wonder why this is such a womanly trait. When my Dad said it was time to go, the only thing that kept us from leaving immediately was one of my mom's friends coming up to him to talk. Otherwise, coat on... door open... walk out. So WTF?

There are certainly many mysteries that go hand in hand with woman-hood! Chief among them being why we always have to pee so much on a road-trip. But this whole slow-motion departure thing is on the list, for sure!

And now I have spent my first hour back from lunch writing this blog instead of working, which makes about three hours since I have done much that was constructive. So let's hear it for female procrastination!

Just to be safe, I mentioned that we should plan on leaving for the day at 4 so we can be out of here by 7. Let's see how it works...