So... over the years, I have had many people whom I have imagined are trying to "do me in." You can call me paranoid. I prefer to think of it as confidence challenged. Whatever your definition, there have been plenty of times in my life where I have regarded people and thought to myself "You are trying to make me unhappy. Deliberately trying to make my life miserable for sport."
Now, let's be fair about this, cause many of those people whom I was sure were attempting to ruin me were "talent" on a show. My fellow scripties will probably recognize this emotion. Where some stupid talent comes in at rehearsal (or even worse... minutes before they step out on stage for the show) and changes all their copy. I was always sure it was just to torture me! Just to show that they were a big important celebrity (yes, Kevin Spacey, I'm talking to you!!!) and that I am a little peon with a pencil and a 3-ring binder who is there strictly to do their bidding. Sometimes it wasn't talent at all, but crew. Stage managers... producers... teleprompter... all out to get me and rob me of my chance for sleep. So these paranoid moments might be just a wee bit self-centered and probably can be discounted. In my own defense, I was probably really tired at the time.
But I do believe that at one time or another, there have been a few people out there who were torturing me just because they could. And hey... that's fine. I mean, it only works if I let it, right?
Here's the problem tho. Lately, I have begun to wonder if perhaps the person who is most determined to bring about my personal ruin is none other than... well, me.
There have been people whom I have gotten to know at one point or another in my life who seemed to have such a busy head that I was sad for them. Sad that their head must be such a crowded place... so full of business and stress that there must seem like no escape. I wondered how these people could function without exploding.
But what I have realized recently is that the above description can oftentimes describe my own head. Good Lord but I can torture myself. Like a pro. Like I'm being paid! (Would that I could...) There are so many different thoughts racing around in there, I don't know what to do with them half of the time. I think that's why I am so obsessed with music and reading. And TV. Cause that's when the thoughts go away. The voices shut up.
Ok, yeah, I said voices. There was a time in my life, before I became a 12-steper, where there was a constant battle in my head between Voice A and Voice B. A & B were constantly at odds with one another. One trying to be the disciplinarian and the other trying to be the child. I remember that being the miracle of my first day in an OA meeting. All of a sudden, after 29 years of fighting with myself in my head, it was like someone hit the mute button. I don't think I even realized how loud it was in there until it stopped. I remember wanting to cry from relief. I could actually just sit still and listen to myself breathe, something I would never have been able to do before.
A & B beat a hasty retreat as I became immersed in the 12 steps and found my way to recovery. The great news is that they haven't really ever come back. At least, not for long. I will always be grateful to Bill W. for that.
The voices I hear now are different. They are quieter, a bit mellower and usually kinder. And they do serve their purpose. But they also doubt. They imagine... and not in a great way. They hear drama where there is none and whisper doubts when I am desperately trying to find some confidence. And they don't stop talking unless there is a distraction (hence the constant background noise in my life.)
Is it a Gemini thing? I usually make a joke out of that one... someone asks me who I went to the movies with the other day and I say, "Oh, just me and my other personalities." I'm not a big believer in Astrology, but it does seem to fit me pretty well. There is certainly a touch of crazy about me. I mean, for the love of God, I sell sex toys for a living!!! I am definitely living off the beaten path. And I do like that about myself. I have never wanted to live an uninteresting, untested life.
But the question is, how do I get away from my own mind? How do I take a vacation from self-doubt and the certainty that the things I want the most are always going to be just beyond my reach? I'm open to suggestions from the peanut gallery. If you have an idea, send it on baby!
I do consider myself a happy person and my life to be pretty damn fulfilling. There is nothing that I want so desperately that if I don't get it my life will feel like a waste. And I'm grateful for that. Cause there are plenty of folk out there who will always yearn for something and never be satisfied without it. I have balance. Nine times out of ten, I'm content. I have very few regrets. But every once in a while, some little voice in my head will gleefully suggest, "Hey, let's get out those journals from high school and read about how miserable we were then." And another sinister little voice says, "Hey, what a great idea!" I did that the other morning and I spent the next two hours trying to pull my head out of a fog, trying to remind myself that I am, in fact, 35 and not 16 and that other stuff is far, far in the past. Long, long ago. And many moons behind me.
The point is, what do you do when you can't escape the friend who is a bad influence and constantly talks you into doing stupid things. Nothing so bad that your life will be inextricably altered, but bad enough that it stings. How do you stop this friend from pushing you to make the same stupid mistakes over and over? After all, as Bill W. taught us, the very definition of insanity is repeating the same action while expecting a different result. Can a person escape their own mind?
Once again, I have no answer to this tirade. That's often the case when I try to get serious here. And I'm not even 100% sure I should publish this. It's more personal than I like to get in a public forum. It could be I wrote this just to get it out of my head. Make some room in there for something else. Or maybe I am just looking for confirmation... looking for someone else to tell me that they have the same problem. Maybe my head wouldn't feel so crowded if I knew that other people felt cramped in their own mind as well. Whatever the reasoning, my head is awful full at the moment. Full of worry over things I can't control, things I can't do anything about.
So if someone could help me find the mute button, I would be so grateful.
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